it's not fair

nothing is fair. I feel like talking, but words can't seem to come out of my mouth. company? I'm afraid I will bore. haven't been eating well either. breakfast & lunch are nothing but a distant memory. it isn't exactly the best.

what I'm thinking of now is the hokkien mee at yz's place. I so have the craving for it. and calamari, and shrimps. I then remember the video of admiral ackbar and some princess in the restaurant. she orders calamari, and he gets pissed off.

scribbling, pictures, drawings. books. my mind is so cluttered and messed up. so many thoughts, no order. everything comes and goes with such celerity. recently I've been getting more and more quiet. I smile lesser. but everytime I smile it's true.

was supposed to accompany jeremy to sim lim square to get his gfx card, laptop keyboard cover, and probably a keyboard too. but he cancelled it, so I have a free day.

I want to have a bbq. at the same time I don't want to be required to talk. can there ever be a silent bbq where everyone just enjoys each others' presence and company? would I be the only one who would enjoy it?

then who should I invite? there are many whom I no longer am close with. should I invite them? I don't want to have too many groups of friends who don't know each other. it won't be nice. and I don't want to have too many people too.

I have to admit, I like energy, but I'm not really a people person. I don't like being in close proximity with many people. I prefer to see them from afar once in awhile. then there are some people I like being around, but I don't have much to say. some, needed so much, are the ones never gotten. I wonder.

I must do alot of clearing up. I've always been.