too much

I am a firm believer in the value of knowledge. but sometimes, knowing too much is worse than knowing nothing at all. I know too much about certain things, of which I wish I never knew in the first place. thanks to my curiosity, I just am tempted to know more. curiosity killed the cat? that's a little too far fetched. but it certainly can put the cat in an uncomfortable situation.

firstly, this is new years' day; the wee hours of the morning of new years day; chinese new year. it's late, I should be sleepy and all, considering the long evening I had just earlier. oddly, I'm not. this feeling, it's the feeling of something you're trying to let go, but you can't bear to; or rather you just can't seem in your conscious mind to do it. I consider myself as a person of extraordinary self control, yet this is one of the thing that I cannot control.

but it's getting better. my resolute is getting stronger which each passing day, with each day devoid of this. it's not my only trouble now of course. school's giving me another big headache. seriously. I've never felt this squeezed and suffocated for quite some time now; in fact in a very long time. the fact that the deadline is soon and that no one seems to be bothered bothers me to a very large extent. will this dark sky really bring the rain?

it's the year of the tiger. the second cycle of tiger in my life, which also states that I'm just about one-third dead, or if I'm lucky (or unlucky?) one-quarter dead; assuming nothing unfortunate happens to me along the way. what have I done up till now? honestly, nothing significant, apart from wasting food, money (food & money are the same actually), and oxygen.

everything needs to change, I need to change. I need to cast away all emotions, and be indifferent. indifferent to every single thing. it's an insanely hard thing to do, something beyond even the wildest imagination. but to me, that's the epitome of self control, the point where you pass a level of humanity where few have treaded. there are no tracks for you to follow. in typical 'mmorpg' terms, it's pure grinding. heck, it's not even lvl 99, it's level 100. (d2 terms)

I guess I yearn to be different. I don't want to be compared to another person. I want to stand peerless. I don't have to know if I'm better or worse than someone. I want to be the only one; I want to know there is no one else. sure, I have my own deficiencies, I'm far from perfect. further than the distance from earth to the andromeda galaxy. but as time goes by, I want to make sure I do the same as what andromeda galaxy is doing now - closing the gap to us (milky way) and eventually combining.