I've been doing this

everyday I come home, I lie on my bed. I have totally no mood to do anything at all, much less study. I lie down and I think about so much stuff. stuff that are the obvious, stuff that are subtle, stuff that aren't what they seem to be. I'm so paralyzed and incapacitated by the thoughts of these stuff, I really don't know what I can do, or what I need to do. all I can do is visualize and imagine all the possible outcomes as I lie on my bed, and try to understand their impact on and around me. It's almost definitely not a happy thing, that I can assure you. I don't want to think about them, but I can't help it. they just play out from my mind without an available stop button for me to push.

I told my friend today. I have some stuff that I might require time for, apart from school. I told him it seems that the time required for the stuff is getting lesser. he said that's good. he's wrong. although it would seem like I can spend much more time in school and much less time on my stuff, it is not good. I'd rather the other way where I'd have much more time required for it, and lesser time for school. although it might not be optimal for my grades, but I know that's what I really want, and that's what can change the entire mood. the mood that's been dragging me for over a week now.

with the start of school, and what everything is now, I don't see any chance for things to go the way I want. in fact, it seems like it is already on a one-way journey to the opposite side. definitely not good. so here I am still in this state, just thinking and thinking how I can resolve all these problems I have. it's turning me to ashes. I just can't wait for the day where everything, this image, this everything, to crumble, then I can finally come to my senses. but till then, I'm trapped.