this feeling

tonight I'm not feeling good. in fact I'm feeling lost. I want to talk to someone, but words won't come out. I really have no aim. no passion for anything. when people ask "where do you see yourself in 4 years, 8 years, 10 years?", truthfully, I can't see myself anywhere. everyone around me has something they want, something they look forward to. I don't have something like that. what's wrong with me?

I just know the next thing that will happen to me if I don't screw up big time in school is that I will graduate. after that, where? of course it will be finding a job. when I eventually do get into a job, what will I do from there? it's not that I don't want to plan, but I can't bring myself to plan. there's just this nagging feeling at the back of my head that things will just go wrong somewhere. yes they will if I don't keep my part of the plan, which as it is, is non-existent. it's like this perpetual cycle of confusion.

I have no drive to go to school; I'm bored with everything; tests, quizzes, written reports. I just can't stand them all. no one knows how much I hate school actually. hmm come to think of it, I kind of hate doing anything. see. that's the problem. I'm just one lazy bum who doesn't want to do anything yet hope to live a comfortable life. but then maybe that's something to think about. The fact is, there are lazy bums who don't do anything much and still live a lavish and luxurious life. can I be one of them?

I can't see myself progressing towards that final destination. I don't even know how they got to that position. none of them got there through the exact same manner. what will be my choice of path to reach there? can I ever reach there? is getting there actually any good?

I'm just like an empty shell wondering around without any goals or ideals. I don't even consider the above two paragraphs a goal. I'm the sort of person people avoid, or tell their children not to be in future. but well, I like it. I guess.