Disappearance disappear

After a long period of MIA, I finally got back in the mood to write again. Well not anything interesting, but at least there is something to look back and ponder. Well, firstly, Kenji has gone back to Sydney after about 8 weeks here; I only met him twice or three times. Not much, could have spent more time I feel. School is starting soon, FYP is rising in intensity.

I must say, today was a weird day. From the time I woke up I felt weird; and through this day I discovered something - I'm somewhat rather eccentric. Weird, queer, whatever floats. I realize I am unable to talk to anyone. Perhaps more exact would be to start talking to anyone, even people that mean alot to me and whom I enjoy the company lots and lots. Close friends, strangers, family, whoever. I can't start; I can only react and continue from others' words.

Honestly, that's quite sad. I mean like if I was in a third person looking at myself I would be downright sad, filled with empathy for myself. Not in a mocking sense. Sometimes I throw things away (metaphorically) because of this passiveness. I regret, but I let go. The weird thing is, despite knowing the issue, I can't foresee any sort of recovery from this state. It's not that I do not want to, but I can't find any way to. That again is sad. But I'm not feeling that sadness. It's like I'm already so used to it, I'm numb to it; which if you think about it, is downright sad as well.

So it's a good thing I'm not spiralling down this slide of sadness. But it makes me think so much. I mean today I was very disappointed with myself for not being able to do much for my friend. I was meant to the be there to help with the workload, but somehow my brain just couldn't work. Be it the renovation, the television from the neighbor, or just the pure distraction of doing work at a new location, I don't know what made me unable to think. Add to the fact that I'm getting dumber day by day. It's not imaginary, I can feel it taking place. How many people actually can feel it. I'm one of the 'lucky' ones I guess.

Nevertheless, I feel totally bad about not being able to help much. It's like I've wasted my friend's day. She could have asked someone smarter or with better brains to help her out and she would have been able to complete much more. Boo me. I not be awesome.