I'm bothered.

I can't deny I'm feeling a tinge bothered, bordering on troubled. is it tomorrow's overnight rush for my IT assignment? very likely. I can't stand doing things so last minute. A little last minute is ok but this is pushing the ultimate limit ever. then maybe yes, I'm troubled. I've more or lessed settled my two presentations tomorrow, but I'm not fully prepped for the quiz. I haven't even finished studying. I'm totally in no mood to study with this problem and others more pervading my thoughts at every chance.

but I feel there's something else bothering me. I can't ascertain what exactly it is at the moment, but it feels terrible. I hope this feeling will go away soon. I will have to make it go away, even if it means numbing myself from everything. I've done it before, and I certainly can do it again. I have 10 more minutes to sleep so that I can have 7 hours of rest. probably the last chance of rest I will get for the next 2 days. it doesn't feel justified. it doesn't at all.

this feels terrible. yes. definitely. imagine myself tomorrow.

a little self restraint

is what I need. I'm tired. its just. I hope I can do it.

met cheng kun and kenji for dinner at aston's. it was rather disappointing. they served my steak medium rare when I had requested for medium well. in fact, it even looked rather rare. so I had to wait another 20 minutes more than the initial 30 minutes I had waited.

and kenji had brought two packets of carrot cake from src for us to eat. black and white carrot cake. you know, I'm still wondering how much the carrot cake at src cost. I've eaten it with him quite a number of times, and he's eaten it countless times, but even he doesn't know how much it costs. we speculated it could be $5 - $7 per plate. anyway the carrot cake was quite a large portion. and all of us had eaten our main dish. my re-cooked ribeye turned out more well done than medium well. it was very tough.

but anyway I finished it. and kun to the rescue. I think he single handedly ate 4/5 of the black carrot cake, and 3/5 of the white carrot cake(1/5 eaten by me, the other 1/5 kenji put into his mushroom soup claiming it tasted great), in addition to his ribeye. we were all so stuffed that we figured forcing anyone to finish the black carrot cake, or kenji's ibc root beer, would result in "merlioning", as kun would put it no more directly to kenji "ah you force me eat somemore I confirm puke, then you sitting opposite I confirm puke on you". that statement was met by concurring silence.

the food was unsatisfactory, but the company was great. I only wished I had made it there on time, and made it back on time. and definitely a big thanks goes out to roslan for responding to me when I needed his help. he was at the right place at the right time. if not for him, I seriously have no idea what time I would have arrived.

I had just missed the bus, and man was I going to be late. so I took a bus to tanah merah in hope of catching 14 instead, and I had called him, hoping he would be delivering somewhere near bedok. as luck would have it. he answered the phone and he was leaving his home or somewhere near there. and he stays in tanah merah, so he went home and grabbed a helmet and sent me to siglap where he was working. there I cabbed down to the already waiting cheng kun and kenji. although I dislike spending money unnecessarily, I dislike being late even more. I don't like making people wait for me.

I'm so tired, but I have so many things to think about. sleep is golden..

beautiful words with beautiful meaning.

If you could have told me everything
You would have found what love is
If you could have told me what was on your mind
I would have shown you the way
Someday I'm gonna be older than you
I've never thought beyond that time
I've never imagined the pictures of that life
For now I will try to live for you and for me
I will try to live with love, with dreams,
and forever with tears

X - Tears

a late friday

it stared harmlessly as a project discussion for our IT class. never knew it would drag till the lab closed at 11. what a way to spend a friday night. but was it foreseen? I expected something like that to happen, but not so soon. a probable estimate would have been before exams during the study or week or something. apparently I was wrong. tomorrow I have to wake up early again for my driving lessons. usually it would be on a monday, but since monday is a public holiday, it was shifted to saturday. I seriously dislike my driving lessons. the instructor is a very very nice guy. it's just that somehow I find it boring, akeen to watching the pendulum of a grandfather clock sway by the passing of time. I'm so sleepy. tomorrow is the beginning of a very busy week for me.

I'm just tired. time to change my lobsters water tomorrow.
I wonder if I can meet up with my friend this weekend. I haven't seen him for a ridiculously long time even though he has been around not very far. and of course, brother low aka brolow aka diab low aka baal low aka mephis low aka brother z is out of his island.

if i had what I wanted

things would be different now. too bad in life. no, at least in my life, I seldom get what I want even after working hard for it. it doesn't matter much does it? it does.

before we part, we linger.
after we part we forget.
when we return,
we stick tightly together.
only to be pulled apart again.

yes, my mood has been down rather lately. I've been bogged down my some problems. schoolwork isn't going too well either. next week will be hectic. the weekends will be burnt. it's been 3 weekends so far and counting.

I won't sleep well tonight as I worry about something. tomorrow I won't be at IT lesson. I hope I don't miss anything important. I need to do work and I'm running out of time. I've got ideas, but no way to channel them out. it can be frustrating. it already is. but right now all I am is worried.

baffled

today time stopped. time 1:08pm.

I was doing my work, studying for my FM quiz. I was at my table just beside my lobster's tank/container. my phone was in front of me, with the clock screensaver. I glanced at it, as I knew I had driving lessons that began at 2:15pm, and I needed to shower, prepare and get dressed. it displayed 1:08pm. ok, ample time. I decided to carry on 2 more questions. so I finished one. it wasn't a simple question, so I took roughly around 5-10 minutes to solve it, around the time I took for other questions as well. I then glanced at the clock again to check if there was time to attempt the last question. shockingly it was 1:08. I can't quite explain it.

of course, there were suspicions that the time I saw at my 1st glance could have been 1:03pm. I do agree with this and this is definitely a possible explanation. however, it didn't feel right. it just didn't feel right. it felt like something weird had indeed happened and I just couldn't attribute it to any particular cause with dead certainty

and so I'm left wondering what could be the significance of the numbers 1, 0 and 8.

apart from that, another problem persists.

my back hurts

it hurts so much that I can't sit properly. I'm so distracted. distracted by so many things going on around me at the same time. I want to do so many things right now, but I can't bring myself to do any. I feel trapped.

i love it

it rained today. sadly while I was in the mrt. I like it when it rains. it reminds me of the unexpectable forces of life. the adaptation. the mood it brings to me is one of serenity and darkness at the same time. I feel at ease when its raining.

went to ikea with kenji where he was shopping for a wardrobe in general to put his large amounts of clothes. ended up buying a rack and some sort of cloth rack. as we walked past the eating place at ikea, memories of my time back in OETI with thaddeus, jiayu, pradana, hizuan and of course kenji, came flooding back. the last time I ate the ever popular ikea meatballs was with them somewhere back in march 2007 towards the end of our time together. we were about to be posted out. its been a long time since we've all went out together like this. even harder now that thaddeus is in the university of washington.

and with some luck and kenji's help we managed to catch up with yz aka mr low aka brolow aka brother low aka diab low before he embarked on his ferry, to a long stay in tekong. it was nice meeting up. I feel like something is going to happen to me. and its not going to be a good thing. it feels like it will be a physical thing. I can't explain this feeling. I'll see.

every once in awhile

I see things. I see things that make me feel distant from the world I am in, or at least I am supposed to be in. I feel dead, yet efficiently programmed to avoid such occurences where I would partake in. I don't deny it makes me think whether I had made the right decision regarding these aspects of my life. and I don't deny I dislike thinking about such things. I'm learning stuff each day under my shell. I want to escape life's dichotomy, even if I have to painfully give up things dear. I wonder, what the future will yield for me and my foolish plans.

new week

new pens, but no new beginning. sadly, I'm still plagued by the loads and loads of work that is eagerly awaiting my disposal. I haven't had a good time talking to an old friend for such a long time. If only it could be like this everyday. I'm so tired, I haven't felt this tired in awhile. Its not a good feeling. I'm also thinking of more and more stuff pertaining to myself. capture the opportunity? as I see people changing, good and bad, it's weird because I feel I haven't changed much. I'm still the same old me, etched in memory for as long as I can remember. the only difference is that I've become a lot more wiser in certain matters. Wiser.. is it good or bad? it requires an exchange of something personal, something immaterial that you can only find deep down inside yourself. it creates a feeling of emptyness, that you want to fill, yet you have learnt not to be bothered with. a curse or a blessing?

and he's back!

finally a close friend returns. its a good feeling.
too bad I might not be able to meet him much for this few months due to school.
but I'll look forward to december when my holidays are here, and she's back too.
I'll be meeting him in 25mins.

rush hour

literally.. I haven't been rushed so much in a long time. I can't remember when was the last time even. anyway its gonna get messy! loads piling up. with exams as toppings.

a special day for a brother

and we have yz a.k.a brother z a.k.a brother low a.k.a brolow a.k.a mr low.
today was his birthday. nothing much happened, but spending time together was fun, just like the old days. ah the good old days. the days gone by, never to be repeated again.

i miss those days. the days we sat in bus 23 in the mornings, right at the front of the top level of the double decked bus. each in his own chair, at the corner, not speaking a word, only after arriving at our designated bus stop do we start talking again. the daily cycle repeated for over a year. reaching late. already late and then seeing eugene board the bus.

sweet.