look at the time. it's late.

I kind of found an old friend. more like found out a way to contact an old friend. well I've always felt she was a nice person. she has this really cheery face that is as bright as the sun itself when she smiles. I used to feel happy just looking at her and talking to her.

but, I don't think I'll contact her. somethings fade. I guess this is one of them. I felt excited when I found her after such a long time. the last time I spoke to her was in 2003. 6 years ago. however I just feel there were too many things that happened in this 6 years, such that we no longer are the people we used to be. I was much happier and cheerful back then. now I've become this dark, melancholic and lonely person. it would just be "hey, how have you been?" and that's that. what's the purpose of it all then. the acknowledgment? no. I'd rather we meet by chance on the street. I guess that's final. what a waste..

the presence

sometimes, I feel like escaping my existence. like do a temporary wipe on it. I'm still here, but no one knows me or knows I ever existed. I can walk around, do normal stuff, see people I know who wouldn't know me. it would be weird, but in a sense interesting. I guess I'm a weird person.

it's not fair

nothing is fair. I feel like talking, but words can't seem to come out of my mouth. company? I'm afraid I will bore. haven't been eating well either. breakfast & lunch are nothing but a distant memory. it isn't exactly the best.

what I'm thinking of now is the hokkien mee at yz's place. I so have the craving for it. and calamari, and shrimps. I then remember the video of admiral ackbar and some princess in the restaurant. she orders calamari, and he gets pissed off.

scribbling, pictures, drawings. books. my mind is so cluttered and messed up. so many thoughts, no order. everything comes and goes with such celerity. recently I've been getting more and more quiet. I smile lesser. but everytime I smile it's true.

was supposed to accompany jeremy to sim lim square to get his gfx card, laptop keyboard cover, and probably a keyboard too. but he cancelled it, so I have a free day.

I want to have a bbq. at the same time I don't want to be required to talk. can there ever be a silent bbq where everyone just enjoys each others' presence and company? would I be the only one who would enjoy it?

then who should I invite? there are many whom I no longer am close with. should I invite them? I don't want to have too many groups of friends who don't know each other. it won't be nice. and I don't want to have too many people too.

I have to admit, I like energy, but I'm not really a people person. I don't like being in close proximity with many people. I prefer to see them from afar once in awhile. then there are some people I like being around, but I don't have much to say. some, needed so much, are the ones never gotten. I wonder.

I must do alot of clearing up. I've always been.

this tune.

it has been a tiring day today. as of now, almost 1/2 of my holidays are over. another 1.5 months and I have to start grinding school work again. well, I don't know. I'm pretty much confused and troubled over the same issue at the start of the year that plagued my every moment. it distracted me from school, from everything. it's part of me.

this sudden feeling

suddenly I had this feeling. a feeling to just write about something. I'm thinking regret.

we all have our regrets - some for doing things; some for not doing things. well I could say mine is for not doing something. I have to admit, I'm too afraid of the repercussions of doing that thing. what a coward. yes, I know. it's weird, I live through this regret every single day, knowing that it will only get worse. yet again, I know that this regret will die off after an even longer time, after the regret has reached its highest level. but given a chance to remove this regret, I still am not taking it. I seldom regret my actions; I always believe in them. there is always a reason for me to do something, and I believe in that reason. this time there is no good reason. it's just a fear. thus I regret not doing it. it has rendered me incapable of doing so. I don't want to destroy everything, at least let me live in this denial.