I'm sorry

somehow, it just doesn't feel right. I did the wrong thing, and because of that, you did the wrong thing too. it was just not right.

somehow, I just can't get it out of my mind.

somehow, it still remains there, as if freshly imprinted, as if it was just yesterday.

somehow, despite me knowing it wasn't right, I still wish it could have last forever.

somehow, I know that the chance of it happening again is very slim. almost non existent.

somehow, I'll keep waiting in vain.

somehow.

in abundace, yet limited

so many things to do, so little time. a commonly phrase heard and said by many. time is infinite. it is a dimension. but we don't enjoy that infinity, sadly.

a few posts ago I mentioned that this is week 11. I was wrong. it is week 12. and it is already coming to an end. it's the beginning of the rush and cramming period for assignments and exams. just tomorrow is the submission of the organization behavior written report.

then it goes as follows:
monday - statistics quiz
tuesday - economics quiz
wednesday - communications written assignment
thursday - possibly soundscape audio installation for grading. I still need to prepare a final report and presentation. apparently the installation shoud have been done by this week. but it's going all awry. I've got to remember to S/U it. seriously.
following monday - stats case study report + presentation
following wednesday - communications oral assessment 2

so many things to do, so little time...

the sound

I'm tired. really tired. but I must say I really enjoyed myself over dinner today. it was not the dinner itself - the dinner was just alright. but the talking and discussions that went on during and after dinner was the main reason why it was really enjoyable.

it seemed like it was back in 2005(june/october still unconfirmed). at that time we were all still studying. but somehow we managed to meet up and go to lao pa sat that night. the exact same people. we sat a few tables away from where we sat back then, where we ate and talked as well.

looking back, 4 years have passed since that day. we are all 4 years older now. so many things have happened in that 4 years - graduation from poly, enlisting, breaking up, disruption(temporary ORD), going into uni. that's just a summary. if I were to go into the details there would be so much to write on, so much to reflect and think about, so much to reminisce about. just so much.

then once again discussing about the murky past of how we first met. I still don't know the exact circumstance. it just happened. somehow we just met. then, we didn't meet together. we knew each other seperately, but how it got to the point where we would eventually go out together ocassionally is the mystery. somehow it just happened. all these are so interesting.

we used to make friends so easily. it was definitely much easier when we were younger. as we, or maybe just I, get older, my social skills seem to dissolute, and making new friends is just so tough. we definitely share something. what that is, I don't really know yet. but what I do know is, it is surely something special.

but just as this is, and this will be, I'm really thankful for all this.

asked to define

the weekends are over again. they went by astonishingly fast. well, I must admit, I didn't really do anything much productive. I didn't complete what I had planned to do. a little disappointed. but no point crying over spilt milk. this week will be the crunch time where I will have to rush alot of deadlines for submission and stuff. I hate times like that.

this will be week 11 in school, and the final week is week 14. after that, exams commence. ah, the exams. it will be so different this time round. I wonder how it'll be like. I just want it to be over quickly. then the holidays come. hopefully I can find a part time job, and finance trips to bangkok and sydney if possible.

I have so many concerns. I can't spell them out. sometimes I look like I don't, or give the impression that I don't. but I do. most of what is seen is just barely scraping the surface. I wonder, do people actually know? sometimes it's better that they don't. ignorance is bliss in this case. seriously.

it was all that I wanted, now I'm living without.

this is not what I wanted

but I guess it's what somebody else wanted. so. just let it be.

an inclination to analyze

a simple 'why' would have sufficed. what comes from a question meant to ask about something someone is purposely keeping from you? in light of all that, the simple question would have been 'why', not 'what'. if we can deduce or answer that 'why', then we do not need to know 'what', for 'what' then no longer becomes important.

however, notice must be taken that 'why' often is seen as invasive, for various reasons. we cannot ask 'why' often, therefore we must find out through clues and deduction. but then again, getting the wrong 'why' can mean all the difference in the world. so how do we ensure, that they 'why' we assume to be is the 'why' that is.

this will forever remain a source of problems, a source of negativity, a source of misunderstanding. a mismatch in 'why' is so critical, it can even spell life and death. but now, looking back, why do we want to know 'why'? what significance & what satisfaction does knowing 'why' brings us. why do we ask why? one then falls into the paradox of whys.

notice then that 'what' will never experience this same problem. this is why 'why' is so much more powerful than 'what' as a questioner. when 'why' is used intelligently, it can unravel new knowledge, new insights, new information.

use 'why' wisely, and you will know why.

what do you want?

if you want to remove sadness, you must first remove happiness.
if you want to remove misery, you must first remove joy.
if you want to remove anger, you must first remove peace.
if you want to remove hatred, you must first remove love.
if you want to remove pain, you must first remove pleasure.

it's amazing I'm still alive

after the onslaught of whatever's causing me to be sick. it has been over a week already! this pain.

I read through my econs today, and I realised, it isn't as simple as it used to be. this looks like trouble.

through this random disappearance and appearance, through all this unknown, through all this. it still aches.

terribly ill hurts less than terrible

I'm terribly ill. I have been ill for the past 1 week or so already. it's on and off, but more on than off. infact i've only been off for 2 days during that week, and only for a few hours in that day. today's economics lesson was interesting with a new tutor. he was very detailed and particular in making sure we understand the reason behind every model. however, i was suffering in silence during the class because of my illness. I felt so sick, tired and sleepy and my nose was driving me crazy. after class I had lunch and made my way home.

I was thinking of something earlier in the night. sometimes there are just too many unknowns to draw a conclusion. sometime we draw a happy one, sometime we draw a bad one. previously I drew the happy one, but tonight, I drew the bad one. it made me think. it made me wonder. it made me doubt the image in my mind. it made me confused.

anyway that aside, my soundscape is gonna be in for one big problem. I wonder how my group comprising of kent, yong joo and me are gonna turn out for the installation. yes. installation. the amount of work to be done, the equipment, the headaches. we haven't even started mixing the tracks together. hopefully it will be done this thursday during and after soundscape class. like I've mentioned before, despite me planning to S/U this elective, I still need to get at least a C+. and even more, kent isn't planning to S/U this elective so I have a responsibility to make sure our project will be done well on my part as well.

but what is my part? I don't know as yet. though I will soon.

I'm sick, I need to rest. mock interviews tomorrow, a complete waste of time. a troublesome thing to get dressed in formal wear just for something that isn't graded. many find it fun and interesting, but not for me. I've worn quite enough of this kind of attires during poly. I wonder if I'll actually wear the attire.

A beautiful image painted, left in time, crumbles to reveal the true image. that of the strongest and most stubborn paints that refuse to crumble, because well, that's the only truth.

a drop of rain

reality kind of sank in today, when I was informed that the written assignment was due next week. as of now, I could say we're only 40% done in total. then my soundscape final assignment which is a sound installation has to be done up in these 2 weeks, of course with a presentation and a short write up. that's really alot of work to do for soundscape alone.

I'm tired, really tired. but there's a long way to go. as I was flipping through my organizer/planner, right about 3 pages in front of the page I was at, I could see the exam schedule staring back at me. It's really scary how time passed with such celerity. I can still remember that final call. I can even remember what the exact last line was. after all, I mean, how can I possibly forget?

when the sky sings, when the water glows, when the tears fall, when the smile faded.

real pain.

one of the most painful things in this world is watching the person you love, fall in love with someone else.

the strong feeling.

there's this strong feeling of fear. I fear something will happen that will have a very huge impact. the impact will be great. I don't understand why. the self persuasion was almost faultless, the logic was clear. but why did it not succeed? why? the fear persists and grows stronger with each day. it's stronger now than yesterday. is it because I don't know whats going to happen. this bubble will definitely burst, it's just a matter of when.

despite knowing it probably is inevitable, I still feel this unmistakeable fear for it when I should have long not cared about it. but what should is not always what will. I'm being vague is all I can say. but when they time comes, it will be very obvious the impact. it will be the defining moment.

it must have been good, but I lost it somehow.
au revoir.

should I or should I not

I'm thinking about tomorrow. I'm still quite sick. my throat hurts like crazy to the extent that I can't sleep properly. should I or should I not. the repurcussion I that I predict would be minor, but are they all that will be?

then there are other reasons. since I'm already there. of course in my mind there's another thing that I want to do. but then, it might majorly screw things up. I don't want things to screw up. but still I feel it would be a very nice gesture.

met my primary school classmate in school today. haven't seen him since I left my primary school in 1998. that's more than 10 years already. he still looked and sounded more or less the same, and he recognized me too. amazing. though I didn't really change that much.

it's late and I don't know what will come on for tomorrow's japanese class. I didn't go for the monday lesson. hopefully I didn't miss out too much of anything important.

it's late. sleep.

dreams and chocolate milk

it was in my dream, so I bought it. I felt like drinking chocolate milk. my dream. it was intense. one of the most intense dream in my life so far. exactly what I think will never happened, happened in the dream. it's like something that will never happen, happened. I know I look like I just repeated myself. there was this tall mushroom house with a multistorey carpark at the top of the mushroom

it was weird this dream, but the people inside were important. I still can remember that look on her face. it wasn't a smile. it was one that carried alot of despair and disappointment.

but then again, as I sip my chocolate milk,
it feels good.
once again.
but I still can't forget that look upon her face.
it hurts.

it still aches.

yes it does. the one I thought was long beatless. and it pains as I know more. everyday is like a opening a can filled with surprises, never knowing when the lethal one will deliver once again, the coup de grace. this aside, I've got so many things to worry about.

I just received news that there is a case study to be done and completed by next monday. the lucky part is that my group is not presenting. the unlucky part is that it is due the same day as my soundscape assignment, which I can assure that to do it well, requires a whole lot of time and in-depth research. though I've planned to S/U my soundscape, I still require a C+ grade minimum to get the S. otherwise it would all be in vain, all this time spent. I don't want to risk not getting that crucial minimum of C+.

I hope, this week will go by smoothly. I miss that smiley so much. so so so so much. it holds alot of memories.

I feel bad

about the past times. hmm. thinking it through I felt that I indeed have done some things that were rather dubious, and unclear. some of those times I think back, and I begin to wonder, was it altruism that guided me (which I had hoped and wanted) that was for the good, or was it my own selfish thoughts that construed my actions. I used to think and believe it was the former, but now looking at it, I'm beginning to look deeper into that surface mirage and doubting it. I'm not clear about it, but maybe, just maybe, it might have been due to my own selfish needs and wants. for that I feel very bad in my humblest and most honest sincerity. I've realized my shortfalls, and I will try my best not to let it happen again. my apologies.

short, not long.

I really appreciate it. thank you yq and sophia for lunch, thank you samantha for coming all the way to airport to join us.

suddenly.

I think I realized my mistake. and thus I deserve totally what is now.

today's bbq was good. met up with lots of the guys from 92, some people that I wanted to see especially were jeremy, max, chua li sin, amir, yazid, ros, darwin. too bad lua couldn't make it down.
at around 2130, we left, and yazid dropped us (max, jeremy & me) at ice cream chefs, where we had some ice cream to cool down from the bbq. then we walked down to the starbucks at siglap where max treated us to a round of drinks. thank you max!

it was a nice night, a night where a group of people that used to see each other everyday, saw each other again.

why do we turn right

there is this flight of stairs in school. at the bottom, u can either turn left or turn right to walk to the canteen that's directly behind it. majority of the people will turn right. why? no one noticed this pattern till I pointed it out to them. no theory or reasoning behind it has been convincing enough yet.

today has been a very long day for me. I'm tired.

rain shed light

common is a group.
exit way.

so long to the week

the recess week is over. so now the 2nd half begins. and will end in a few more weeks with the coming of the exams. honestly, I've not much motivation, unlike last semester. that aside, I've a new interest in something. but I wonder if I'll have the time for it. it's late. I've got to go. sleep. I hope tomorrow will be a good day.