somewhere only we know

so if you have a minute why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know. this could be the end of everything so why don't we go somewhere only we know.

somewhere only we know.
somewhere only we know.

where did we go

I've realised one of the reason why we get together well despite alot of differences. because we share a common passion. and now, I'm probably feeling it. I feel it when it happens because it's something that isn't good. in fact I feel it whenever anything happens that is detrimental. I don't even have the projected acceptance to do what I want to do. I want to change things, but chances don't come anymore for now. I can blame myself for squandering all the past chances, and for making silly mistakes. I had thought I was careful enough. I was wrong. I want to change things. because I want things to change. not for myself, I feel.

sometimes I try too hard.

and that's the reason I fail. sometimes I don't display. that's why I fail.

another day passed

sigh. my most dreaded days are now tuesday, thursday and friday. tuesday is supposed to be good because its the shortest day. but the tutor spoils it completely. the way he conducts the tutorial is just so chilling, I'm quite sure no one would by choice choose to be in his class if they had one. soundscape is beginning to become a bother to me. interesting, yes. abstract and confusing, DEFINITELY. and we have an assignment due on 2nd Feb. fast eh. friday would be because of OB&D. a four hour long lesson, no matter what it is, will not be as enjoying as if it were a 2 hour lesson. I guess that's quite clear. that leaves only monday and wednesday. both of which I'm not fond of too. monday is easily the longest day I have, beginning with an 8:30 AM lecture. wednesday I have comm fund, a module that frequently requires me to do small small assignments. the workload in japanese is getting more with us requiring to memorize more characters and mini-tests going on in each lesson. and I haven't gotten to the full blown stage yet. assignments for stats, OB&D, and Econs aren't exactly out yet, so when they're out, it will be a squeeze. exciting. not.

a big step backwards.

I closed my eyes and floored the accelerator. just when I thought I was moving ahead, I opened my eyes and found myself in the reverse gear. how perfect.

no matter what

up till the day comes, I'll be here. always.

it's getting cold.

the air, the weather, the atmosphere, it. a Sunday. afternoon. not much words to say now. yesterday Red Cliff 2 was nice. a fitting ending to the first part. YQ bought a new car and had just received it on Wednesday. cool. still got things to do. still got things on my mind.

some pictures from yesterday.

me & YQ

Sophia & me

never

when never means never.
when not means not.
when not ever means not ever.
when forever means for ever.

none

I met Philothea today to borrow a uniform from her. haven't seen her in a long time, probably since alex's 21st birthday back in 2007, before he enlisted. anyway, today was my first OB seminar. it was quite boring actually. everything seems boring to me now except my japanese class. my japanese tutor makes the class so fun. I'm still unable to concentrate on school. I'm so distracted. I don't know how long this distraction will go on. I'm tired. I left class earlier to meet Samantha to pass to her the uniform I had borrowed earlier. I also met Kenji at queensway and we went to SRC to eat. I finally know the price of the fried rice and fried carrot cake. $7 and $6.50 respectively. after that we went to suntec to get socks from carrefour and a cd from HMV citylink. following that it was home. I think I really just need a night out to chill at a quiet place, but just seems I can't find one. sigh.

fret not

don't fret! I know everything seems hazy now. but things will clear up after some time. you just need to be patient. I'll be here waiting. time is so scarce now, and I know you always have this priority, but you just can't do it. due to many reasons too. in the end, you're just wasting all the opportunities like that. when will you find your way out of this maze and accept reality? I'll always be here waiting. after all, I can't leave you alone now can I, right me?

tuesday is gone

I watched Changeling today thanks to Alex. he had won 2 free tickets to the show and had invited me to watch it with him. I had expected it to be good, and indeed I found it so. it wasn't a blockbuster kind of movie, but it still had some sort of draw. maybe because it's based on a true story that made the story more attractive. but anyway, if you want to watch a movie this weekend. it's either Changeling, or Red Cliff 2(if you have watched part 1). I'm interested in Marley & Me too when it opens on 29th February. anyway, tuesday is gone. I'm really tired now, and I have to wake up early for tomorrow's lesson. I found someone to swap for OB textbook thanks to yuan jing. still need to settle the other 2 books. and I need to get the textbook for my Japanese level 1 by thursday as requested by the tutor.

It has been a long day, though it started quite late since lessons began late. but the movie was a good relief from all the tension from school. anyhow, I still don't feel complete. as usual.

a little late

I guess it's a little too late to say this now..

but

It's not ok. I had made a mistake then, saying it would be.

is there still time on the clock.

school!!

has arrived in 3/4 force, beginning today. I haven't gotten my textbook, therefore I'm unable to do my tutorials, much to my dismay. slowly I'm picking myself up. or at least that's how I feel. but still, I remain worried and concerned at times. I have barely less than 6 hours of sleep, and figure I should get at least 5 hours 15 mins of sleep at most, given the current time. today went out with alex and yz to simlim to accompany alex get some stuff for his new MBP. it's unique because it's probably the first time in a long time I've gone out so far with yz. usually he's busy and we just meet up around his area. its a day to remember. at least I took some pictures on my mobile phone, and a short video of us walking to subway(sandwich), only to decide to not eat there upon arrival at the outlet. then continued with yz and walked to his place while alex took a bus home. ate a little at the coffeeshop and he cut his hair and we all went home. hope I have enough energy for tomorrow. it's a long, long day. probably need to buy the economics textbook since its a new textbook. still looking for people to swap the stats and ob.

Alone

Heart - Alone(live in Seattle)


alone..

Secret

Heart - Secret



memories...

it feels light.

it feels different doesn't it. a picture is beginning to fall in place. alas. something seems to be known at the very least. uncertain, but certainly better than nothing. I still, however, do not doubt myself, and what I was feeling. it was all a reality. now, future, or whenever it comes. I think no more words can express what I have to say.

if you can hold on

hold on..

I've been doing this

everyday I come home, I lie on my bed. I have totally no mood to do anything at all, much less study. I lie down and I think about so much stuff. stuff that are the obvious, stuff that are subtle, stuff that aren't what they seem to be. I'm so paralyzed and incapacitated by the thoughts of these stuff, I really don't know what I can do, or what I need to do. all I can do is visualize and imagine all the possible outcomes as I lie on my bed, and try to understand their impact on and around me. It's almost definitely not a happy thing, that I can assure you. I don't want to think about them, but I can't help it. they just play out from my mind without an available stop button for me to push.

I told my friend today. I have some stuff that I might require time for, apart from school. I told him it seems that the time required for the stuff is getting lesser. he said that's good. he's wrong. although it would seem like I can spend much more time in school and much less time on my stuff, it is not good. I'd rather the other way where I'd have much more time required for it, and lesser time for school. although it might not be optimal for my grades, but I know that's what I really want, and that's what can change the entire mood. the mood that's been dragging me for over a week now.

with the start of school, and what everything is now, I don't see any chance for things to go the way I want. in fact, it seems like it is already on a one-way journey to the opposite side. definitely not good. so here I am still in this state, just thinking and thinking how I can resolve all these problems I have. it's turning me to ashes. I just can't wait for the day where everything, this image, this everything, to crumble, then I can finally come to my senses. but till then, I'm trapped.

a retreat tomorrow

well. the last one before everything starts next week. well. I did try. well. things doesn't always go well. well. that's that.

another head aches, another heart breaks

I'm so much older than I can take.
and my affection, well it comes and goes,
I need direction to perfection no no no no
help me out.

it's killing me

my gastric pains are getting worse. so bad that I couldn't even go to school this morning for the communication fundumentals seminar. now its a little better after taking this unknown medicine I found on the shelf that claimed it was for gastric pains. in fact I don't even know for sure the pain I'm feeling is gastric pain. it has been around for 2 days, beginning on monday night. I just hope it isn't anything too serious and that it'll go away soon. I think I'll be bringing the meds along with me just in case. it's already wednesday, and kenji has left for japan this morning. he'll be back next wednesday at 12midnight(technically thursday morning). hope he enjoys his trip there. I haven't been overseas for such a long time, since Hong Kong in 2006, before I enlisted into the army. I wonder where will the next place I go be. anyway, I hope I don't miss much from the seminar today. looked through the outline and today's seminar does seem a little less important than the subsequent ones in the weeks ahead. I hope my judgement is accurate. then the long journey to school begins at 1230 for my stats lecture from 1430-1630. it hasn't even hit the high note yet.

yz's sudden appearance

mr Z came over today. it was quite unexpected when I was sitting in my room playing the guitar and suddenly someone came into my room, stood at the door and said "raf sia." it was not the first time he had unexpectedly shown up at my place before. but as it was a weekday today, I had expected him to be in camp and not outside. my house used to be quite the center for activities with mahjong, overnight movies, computer games, or just random stuff. I can still remember the volcano high, or the spirited away we were supposed to watch. both were on different days(nights), but they had the same ending. everyone fell asleep even before the show ended. now my place is a quiet shell. usually its only me, myself and I. I enjoy the peace and quiet, but it sometimes gets too lonely, even for me. I'm probably not the loneliest guy in the world, but loneliness and me, well, we have a pretty strong relationship that dates back. so when I find that it gets lonely. it really does. but I'm glad and grateful tht all these took place to make my life and my memories enjoyable. memento mori.

some

something was said, by someone, somewhere, at sometime. but I don't know why. and I don't know what. all I know is that I can feel it. its a lingering feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. a feeling I never thought I'd feel again. I wish I could know why, then maybe this lingering feeling won't linger anymore.

tomorrow school starts. haven't printed the notes. guess I'll have to bring my notebook along even though its just for a 2 hour lecture. a friend is going with me.
that makes things slightly better. I barely have enough sleep. just about more than 5 hours. feels like im starting school all again, just like in august. just that back then, I didn't have so much to think about.

I feel it's fading. but certainly not for me.

it went like this

We were cycling. somehow, the oil from the chain got onto your legs. I took some tissue and water and helped you clean the oil marks up. the marks were quite stubborn and it took quite awhile before I managed to get it all off. the rest I can't remember.

I'm beginning to doubt myself. really. why do I keep dreaming. I don't want anything to go wrong.

am I cold

am I unresponsive and insensitive?

misunderstood

that's what I am.

a second chance

I'm back from my chillout session. went to the reservoir to relax and chit chat. im beginning to like doing stuff like that. I normally wouldn't expect myself to go out and chill like that. but it was a pleasant night.

im going out.

to chill.

1st day spent

doing nothing, apart from meeting yz for a short amount of time to catch up with him. haven't seen in ages. he looks younger and younger each time I see him.

watched a korean movie today, an old one to be exact. the main actor reminded me of myself through the show. trying and failing, trying and failing. in the end, there was a happy, but not good ending.

why is there so many gauges placed in life that we have to fulfil one after another in order to get to where we want? sure, it filters those worthy from those unworthy. but is materiality all there is to it, or does other things count. other things from within.

its 6.35 now. I wonder how I will spend my time later. don't have much time. school is starting