the new year is coming

smile like I mean it. can I? am I able to adopt a positive mindset that might push me further where I want to go? even if I do, will it actually help?

I'm sitting here, feeling uncertain about what lies ahead, just as with every other day. I'm trying to smile, to take everything with its stride, to see things positively. but there is just one thing that I cannot do so with until it is settled. everything else I can.

it seems this stumbling block is becoming quite the obstacle in my original goal to cast away such matters. I don't blame myself for falling back in, it's only natural. but it's what I do, or more like what I choose to do that will determine what is to come. Although I can't say for certain, but in all uncertainty, there is a certainty that I can expect should it happen. and that certainty is the one I would not like to happen.

it might seem confusing, but its clear. I want to do everything to avoid that undesired certainty that will stem from my uncertainty. there is no assurance to that though.

so the new year is coming in a few hours. what would I be doing then. how will I spend it, and with whom will I spend it. apart from the family around me, its pretty much a me myself and I affair. as with most other celebrations. I've gotten used to it. well, now my main goal is to pass the TP test on tuesday. then I can get my license which is long overdue. I believe I've said that in one of my first posts this year in January.

of course I have the ideal picture in my mind how I would want to spend the new year, but I know it will not happen, not because its only a few hours more. but because there is some other reason beyond my control. I can only carry this attitude and hope for the best. although honestly, I don't see it going the way I want it to.

welcome 2009.

into broken remnants

I need to clear up the old shelf before school starts and start clearing up my own shelf too. the distance that was once almost nonexistent is drawing further and further with each passing day. I can feel it, and I know I can do nothing to stop it. it's just the way it is.

a new year is coming in 2 days. what should I expect? I already can see one aspect of it all rather clearly, how it will proceed and eventually be. but a vision is just a vision, and it still can be changed. until the time comes, nothing is set.

One more week before school begins. to be honest, I hate school. I never liked it, and I don't think I will if it continues like this. it doesn't have any attachment to me, or rather me to it. I don't feel the same excitement as my peers who have already graduated, or are still studying. whats wrong with me?

Looking back, I think there were many factors that contributed to me becoming what I am now. but I shall not list them down.

chasing a lost hope

how does it feel? I guess you can ask me. I've been chasing a lost hope, an unattainable goal. so far it seems that way and I'm pretty sure it will not change anytime soon. sometimes I learn new things along the way. sometimes I get hints and clues. but all this amounts to nothing once you know that you cannot reach it, and that's that. all that is left is the memories of it. memories that show how you've failed. but at the same time are good memories because you enjoyed the times.

I think.

I thought. no one confirmed. I learnt about something which came as really big news to me. I'll bear it in mind now that I know it. It really hurt me when I knew it. If I find the person, he'll regret he set foot in this world. that's a promise to myself.

strange continued.

just like last night, I feel weird. I feel worried. I feel different from how I'd normally feel. I had so many dreams. I could hardly sleep. I woke up quite a number of times.

I feel like I shouldn't be doing some things. unexplainable.

my phone has stopped lagging after I manually updated the software. that's good.

I wonder what I'm going to do today. the beginning of the last week of my holidays. I've told a friend that I want to do stuff that are meaningful or at least serve a purpose this week. but it seems the purpose is but an extinguishing flame as of now, and as time proceeds. the winds are strong, but the heat isn't. bad for the flame. bad for me.

when I wake up, the first thought on my mind is the same thought just before I fall asleep. it's amazing what somethings can do.

its slowly, but not surely

I'm still unsure of it. should I really just release myself from this constriction?

I bought on impulse a new phone today with a new line and new number.

tonight, it feels weird. it just doesn't feel right. I guess its a sign.

its only noon

and I'm sleepy. I've been running around so much in the morning. haven't had a good rest in ages.

silly silly

silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly, silly me.

and I wake up

feeling sick once again.

a long day

it's been a long day. a really long one. I haven't returned the library books I was supposed to return today. I shall go early tomorrow morning. I'm contemplating whether or not I should cut my hair. it's getting somewhat annoying and really messy, not in a good way. but I'm scared I'll look weird if I just thin it, yet I don't want to cut it short. think think.

problem's persist. I've finished something I started, and I'm pretty satisfied with it. hey, its the first time I'm doing it. I was successful in putting my idea into actual work, and I feel good about it. however, another problem still persists, and I need to settle it soon.

I wasted my opportunity today with no real chances presented to me for me to take. of course they were due to reasons beyond my control, but still it was a wasted day. and mos burger didn't have the corn soup! I had wanted to drink it.

she's coming back tomorrow night. she's been flying around so much recently. I hope she won't be too tired when she gets back.

I'm getting sick

with each passing day I feel my body getting weaker and weaker. muscles are getting sore and aching for no reason. probably due to the lack of quality sleep I'm receiving. every night I have been dreaming. yesterday was no exception. the first dream was pretty intense. it was kind of scary as it could possibly well happen in real life. subsequent dreams were kind of hazy, in the fact that I couldn't really remember the details of them. but I just know I had alot of dreams. I woke up late today. a little too late for my liking. and suddenly, there is no more morning. it began with afternoon. how can I stop dreaming, and get a good rest at night? it's getting really tiring night after night. and why aren't there good and happy dreams, only nonsensical, bad, or scary ones?

2 years

in what seemed like the blink of an eye, 2 years has already passed since I started this blog. many many things have happened - some good, some not so good, some plain bad. but although I cannot remember my exact state of mind, or what I was doing when I started the blog, I can remember the situation I was in after I had gotten my posting after BMT. it all seems so familiar now again. time flies, so it does. now I'm two years older from then, and I feel that I've gained so much in comparison to what I've lost. but the past will always be memories, and the future is what still holds. I can only hope, that things will go the way I would want it to. I'll hold on to that hope, even if it will fail me time and time again. I'm hopelessly hopeful.

tired not done

missing. that's what it feels.

I'm halfway through with some work, but still another part is yet to be done. somehow I feel the next part will not turn out like I had intended it to, so probably I'd have to make some major adjustments. hope it will turn out fine. and of course there's another thing I've yet to have done. it must be done no matter what. and I've an idea about it.

another day has passed. a few more to go before things change. I have a feeling things will not change for the better, and it will get more difficult. is there a finale?

so many dreams

I had last night. they weren't happy dreams, but I guess they were good in a sense that they helped me in a particular direction. it's beginning to flow now, this stream. sure there are blockages and obstacles along the way, but if there're any gaps or weak spots, it will get through. I hope I can maintain it.

why.. why.. why..

am I feeling like that? it's just a simple word. why in the world am I feeling like that? it sucks, it hurts. it has no reference, but it just does. I hate this feeling. I really hate it. I'm not suppose to feel it anymore, but I still do. it carries so much meaning, so much.. or am I thinking too much? it doesn't matter, either way still causes me to be in this state. can I eventually do it? in one or the other way? which will it be?

I wonder why I am so tired

I guess it must have been due to the lack of sleep last night. I still feel heavy. heavier in fact. I bought some stuff today. some necessary, some unnecessary. they weren't cheap, but I hope they can be used in a meaningful manner at least. not wasting them. I still have things to buy tomorrow. I'm having a headache. I'll try to plan my steps tonight, if I have the energy to do so. I tried the Wee Nam Kee chicken rice at novena, it was really good. one of the best tasting plates of chicken rice I've ever eaten. no surprises about the crowd there. time is running short. I'm still holding back.. am I doing the right thing?

I can't sleep

the noise generated by some upgrading works is unbearable. it's so loud, the knocking and drilling, and it starts so early in the morning it's unfair. it doesn't care. I'm feeling heavy, probably because I know that another period is going to begin, and I won't have any fun doing it. Another possible reason I can think about would be that because I'm feeling a little lost and confused about certain things.

today I need to go out and get stuff once again. before the weekend rush of shoppers hit the malls and streets, creating a super annoying sea of people that just makes it plain difficult to shop, browse or even walk in peace. I roughly have an idea in my mind what I want to look for, but there's another part of which I'm totally unsure of. and there are parts I don't know how to go about doing.

it'll probably be back to camping at home again once I've gotten what I'd wanted. it's kind of amazing that I actually spent a whole lot of time at home the past two weeks.

christmas is coming soon. last christmas I can't remember what I was doing, or where I was. my memory is getting bad, that it is. or maybe, just maybe, it's because I wasn't doing anything.

this morning, I made a mistake and called a little too late. I guess I underestimated the time. it's kind of sad.

I'm tired..

in every sense, in every meaning of the word. it has been long, really long. the days, the hours from ago. what will happen.

the words that come closest

EPIC FAIL.
no other words can describe what happened to my original plan today.
what a waste.. seriously.

in silence

I guess, I am in silence.

why am I

worrying so much? I can't find the reason why. why!?!?

it has been a tiring day. I've gotten back what's mine. it feels good. thaddeus is back. and from what I heard sporting an american accent. after just 2 months. will probably meet up next week. it has been a long time since all of us met up. the last time was the transformers movie, and that was so long ago. like ancient.

maybe I shouldn't worry so much. maybe I should just. maybe.

I'm alternating

between worrying and being at peace. I switch between these two states so constantly, I can never totally believe myself when I arrive at either one. it's kind of hard to actually comprehend. even I don't fully understand it myself. the night is cold as well, just like the day. it's still raining.

earlier, I had lunch at IKEA Tampines with my mum, then got a throw. after that went down to Courts for a little while. the music was deafening there. it was playing so loud. I know it has to do with consumer behavior theories and all, but it was still unnecessary. if I was the manager, I'll never spoil customers' shopping experiences with such distasteful acts.

finally I've finished cleaning up the guitar and restrung it as well. I bought the light gauge, and I think it's a little too thin for my liking. it sounds way too bright to me. I don't really like the sound of it. its bright, metallic, and high tone sound is a huge contrast to the deep, mellow voice it made prior to the string snap. I like the old sound better. well, I guess I'll have to wait for the strings to snap again before I can change them.

right now, I'm worrying. moments ago, I was at peace. complicated.

its heavy

this rain. it's already noon, yet the sky is dark and gloomy, almost giving the 6pm feel. the weather is cool and comfortable, but it's impeding things that I need to do. I need to go get stuff, and with the rain, it discourages me so much from stepping out. it's peaceful, but at the same time, it spoils everything. when will it stop?

as it progresses, it might be getting too cold. I await tonight.

my room has changed

the wardrobe and shelf has been shifted around, now creating a much more spacious room. It should have been done long ago. at least now, I can open the wardrobe with ease without needing to shift my brother's bed away. and I can look at the mirror much more easily. the space is a good thing to have, definitely.

I've bought the guitar strings, and am in the process of cleaning up the guitar now. I want to clean it up before I put in the new strings. it's kind of dusty and worn now. it's been a long time since I restrung a guitar. I'm rather excited about it.

I'm feeling weird. feeling light. its like I'm floating in a dream. last saturday night, at this time, I was at mount faber chilling after having the buffalo wings at sunset bar & grill. time really flies. it does. I know this phrase is so common place, but time passes fastest when you're enjoying yourself. I just wish certain moments would last forever, but I know in all rationality, that it will not be within my power to do so.

I can sense it

I haven't felt this way in a long time. now I'm afraid. I usually don't get scared easily. why am I feeling this sensation. one of running away, fleeing. is it because I feel something going to happen? I guess its been a long time. but still, it doesn't feel natural. or did the words really impacted me so greatly that subconsciously I feel it from the very core of my self, as part of my self, my existence. how will I ever know?

as of lately, I've been rather bored. yes. about school, I'm still quite unsure about the process of some stuff like the registration of courses and all, and the date is slowly creeping up. I don't have any seniors that I can turn to. well I have friends in year 2, 3 and 4, but I hardly talk to them apart from the brief moments I see them in school.

I have a few things I need to do the next few days. I need to restring my guitar. it broke last thursday. I can't believe it has been a week already. time really flies. I need to get out of my home and look for stuff too. no idea's on my mind, I feel blank. I don't have much time left. holidays are ending soon. 3 more weeks. then when school reopens, I'll be very busy during the first 2 days. I might not even make it to school. I need to get it down to as close as perfection it can possibly get.

seek the roses along the way

just beware of the thorns.

those words..

i doubt they will ever see the light of day

effective

sometimes, torturing yourself is the best and most effective way of remembering things. a very effective way to get things done. indeed.

I get it.

I get it loud and clear. it has always been like this. I'm used to it. and because of it, I will end up like this. always. things sometimes go one big round just to slap you back in the face again. but I can't blame anyone. it's no one's fault. it just happens. I may be a victim of it, but I will not be a victim of my own. The only thing I can do is to lock out myself for awhile. I guess, its for the best. I really don't want to be a victim of myself. it's the worst that could ever happen.

the sky is getting dark

it's gonna rain. I'm tired but I feel good. if only I could feel this good everyday for the rest of my life. that's a big if. if only, read my mind.