harsh it is

knowing the consequence, I fear taking the action.

actions

every action we take leads to a consequence or result. most of the time, we begin that action with the end in mind, consciously or subconsciously. but we must recognize the fact that although we are the initiator, we are not totally the controller. many times the results won't be what we intended due to unforeseen events taking place, or misjudgement.

a rough estimate would be for each action we take, there is a 75% chance of the result being the desired one. the other 25% is beyond our control. but how do we reduce that 25%? it is not possible, unless it is something regarding ourselves, e.g. relieve an itch on our backs by scratching it. when it involves others, that 25% is unavoidable.

different people have different thinking, different ideals, different lives. we must always consider that 25% of misunderstanding, mistake and unexpectedness in every action we take. 25% is not nearly enough to attribute the success or failure, though it does play a part. ultimately, we work towards that 75% possibility.

there is no such thing as a perfect ending even if we do everything perfectly.
75% effort,
25% opportunity,
I would call it.

true power

true power is the power of holding back. it's the strength of not doing something that your very instinct and soul tells you to do. it is the epitome of the word control. doing things is easy, not doing things is hard. we live as humans without free will, but free won't. our consciousness is not the source of our thoughts. it is only the gate where our thoughts pass through before they become actions. our actions depends on how we control this gate. when you have acquired the ability to hold back, withdraw or stop, only then have you acquired true power. I haven't achieved it, but I'm coming close. one more cruel time, and that would probably be it.

I'm thinking too much

a few words and I can ponder for hours. the consequences, the result. it shouldn't be like that. it's far beyond my reach, I can never smell it. I realize my situation, and I'm fully aware. it might not be the case, but I know myself the reason why. I can see the future ahead, totally clear. what it will be, what will happen. I accept it. only then, am I ready. it will be soon.

just issues

firstly, let me backtrack. the last 2 papers. FM was much harder than anticipated, and biz law was much easier than anticipated. so I guess that kind of evens stuff out. almost an entire month overdue, I still haven't gotten my money back. its getting really annoying with this delay and that delay. a few days is ok, but come on. a whole month? that's pushing it. I'm guessing I might have to make a report rather soon if any more delay goes on. I don't want to take this nonsense anymore. I wonder why he has to push it to this level.

I feel that I understand more now.

as for today, I'm gonna pack my room. the room that I had made messy with my notes all over the place while I was fervently studying for the past four weeks. I don't know if it will pay off, but at least I'm satisfied I tried. anyway there's a whole lot of stuff to be organized and cleaned up so I hope I can make good progress on it.

certain stuff I've decided.

no acceptable alternative

I have to follow through with what I've said

it's no good

my chest hurts. I feel I might die any moment, or at least collapse into a pathetic heap on the gound and die while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. the pain isn't going away. stubborn. I heard shoutings from below my place. seems like two people quarelling, spewing vulgarities at each other. so late still want to quarrel.

as of now, I'm still very much troubled by what's supposed to be mine, but isn't with me. it has gone on for far too long. monday. I will be forced to take action. I haven't decided on the course of action, but I know, I must take action.

mine, if only could. I'm reaching for the stars. ambitious. unachievable. impossible. the only way ever is for the star to crash into me, which is again impossible. its impossible. I need to sleep.

tomorrow I hope the lunch actually take place.

probabilities:

event cancelled: 30%
2/4 ppl now showing up: 30%
ppl arriving late: 90%
me feeling bad for spending money: 96%

a walk

a walk is a nice thing to take. the serenity of the surroundings, the fresh air (not so fresh but better than in my home), the occasional sounds and people walking past. it's refreshing. I wish I was at the beach now. but I didn't have time to walk there.


only after you have gone through it will you fully understand and appreciate it.

its late.

I haven't slept so late in a long time. Study and study, yet I feel I'm not making much progress. I'm distracted. it's really affecting me, but I don't have a choice but to just continue this mindless grinding which I don't think will help me much in the exam, till the exams are over. I can't stand it.

late nights makes me think back to the days in OETI when we would hang out late into the night. I'll never forget the time me, jiayu, kenji, thaddues, and hizuan met up for I don't know why, but we did alot of irrelevant things at night.

started as supper @ jalan kayu, ended up sitting around at fort canning chatting, walking around, driving up into seletar camp/reservoir and then reaching a dead end and u-turning. and jiayu going perpendicular to the road to cut 5 lanes to turn into clemenceau ave. if I'm not wrong I still have the video of kenji doing some dance moves standing out thad's car with the sunroof open. then later due to the redundancy of too many cars, we went back to kenji's place so he could leave the his car at home and we all took jiayu's and thad's car instead. meeting alex and clarice, and lydia. then we went to the mac at the foot of lido, sat there had some bites and left just before sunrise.

it also reminds me of the time thaddues and I stayed over at jiayu's place the night before we were required to report to 9AMB HQ as our new unit. jiayu's unique modified attic room, the extremely small but interesting toilet there. we ate breakfast then arrived late at camp because jiayu had to send his sister to school first, but it didn't matter anyway because it was the first day so they weren't really strict on time.

and the time when we had to go to kranji camp 3 (which became my perm unit later after I got posted out) for a cheerleading competition in late february. we were the cheerleaders, and we got 2nd. honestly we did quite ok for a bunch of clumsy guys. it was also then that we all got to know jiayu better when he opened up and offered to help out which the choreography. anyway, the night before, me, thad, hizuan and prada went over to kenji's place to stay, back when he was still living alone in his balestier apartment.

another epic moment was when kenji drove in late to camp in his clk and parked right in front of all the WOs having their meeting, not on purpose. they all literally stopped talking and looked. it was an intense moment. after that all the intructors knew who kenji was.

and then more memories at kenji's place once again when he held his bbq.

it was all so long ago, yet I remember it so vividly. most of this(except the bbq) happened in march 2007. towards the end of OETI. it was some of the best times in my life. it wasn't because of the unenforced discpline or the slack training, but due to the people I got to know there.

surprise

The first real surprise of my life. it felt really good to see you.

still sick

hmm. it has gone on for a long time. since thursday till now. accounting exam was ok, but I was so sick the entire time during the exam. now time to work on FM and Business Law. the two killer modules. I haven't started FM at all, and to me that is the biggest worry since there is so much to cover. I hope I can cover it in time. I need to get better. tonight hopefully I can start my FM, otherwise I'll have to begin tomorrow. even one chapter tonight would be good.

and I finally had sushi today. I wasn't really hungry when kenji told me to meet him for lunch, so when we went to sushi tei, I just grabbed a few sushis. the sushis weren't that great, but it satisfied my craving which had been formed some time at the end of october. hmm I want to try sukiyaki. it looked nice. next time then. anyway there was this group of japanese students having excursion or something. their school uniforms really stood out and were much nicer than our local schools. too bad I didn't bring my camera to snap.

went to look at paul smith's offerings at wisma. there was this really nice jeans which kenji showed me for sale at $189. I was going to get it already. but alas, when I tried it on, I'm not sure if its the cutting or what but the upper thigh region looked kinda weird, like it didn't fit me because maybe my thighs weren't big enough to fill it. what a waste. it was really really nice. but anyway I think I need to get more tops rather than bottoms. my last two purchases were already bottoms.

books and books all day

the more I study the more confused I get. really. it's time to take a short break. I wonder what I'll do in the holidays. don't have anything much on my mind, perhaps get a part time job to supplement my cash supply. then, what kind of job will be good? I think I like jobs that doesn't entail talking. I'm not that good with talking, even less with entertaining. probably something solitary? hmm. but it might get a litte too boring if I were doing it alone all the time. but still, better than sitting at home doing nothing. guess I'll have to keep my eyes peeled for temp jobs already beginning from today.

tomorrow's accounting exam. I'm feeling ok. however I feel that there will be a single, ultra tough, einsteinish kinda question that they will include to weed out the best from the ordinary. interesting.

4th night

in a row that I woke up at 4+am. however, this time it wasn't due to dreams. it was due to my very very sore throat. I tried sucking a strepsil to sleep only to give up halfway because it wasn't helping much. it's very bad. I'm amazed that I managed to fall asleep again. however of course I kept waking up frequently after that because of the pain. I'm so tempted to see a doctor. but without 11b I don't have the freedom anymore. though I'm pretty sure it's a viral infection.

as quickly it came

as quickly it went. I feel. I'm sick. Rather, I'm falling sick. It's not a good feeling, all of this. I'm wondering. Why. My throat's getting bad. It's bothering me. 840. only I know. all it took.

He laughs, a smile on his face.
but the joy, none is ours.

its getting worse

yes it is. every night I can't sleep. it's getting really bad. firstly its the dreams. they are coming nonstop, its really draining me. secondly, I keep waking up at night due to unknown reaons. Yesterday night was probably the third night in a row that I woke up at between 4:50am and 5:00am. why am I waking up during that time? I don't feel good at all during the day because of this.

and my dreams. I really shouldn't be dreaming about it. it's weird, a combination of uncertainty mixed with anticipation. a jumble of things, that I can't comprehend. I used to think sleeping was one of the greatest pleasures. now it haunts me. I don't know what pain I will go through during the night when I try to go to sleep.

when I laugh

in an exam hall, it's usually not a good thing. I laugh in an exam only when I totally don't know how to answer the question and think about the resulting crap that I'm going to answer with, imagining the marker's expression when he/she sees it. I laugh because I am laughing at the bad grades that I'd probably get. well, my preparation was not perfect, but i think it was reasonably sufficient. however the execution was disappointing. still an eye opening experience after 4 years.

1 down, 3 more to go. and its the final 2 that's keeping me on my toes. driving lesson tomorrow morning, and probably I'll not schedule any next week so allow me to grind for the last 2 papers which coincidentally but cruelly happen to be on the same day, barely an hour apart from each other after factoring in the 10 mins earlier reporting, and collection of exam scripts from the prior exam.

so many things on my mind. so many dreams every night I can't sleep well in peace. the dreams were good, but they suck energy from my conscious life making me unable to concentrate on my work in the day. Hmmm. what a major problem I have on my hands. and of course I'm still awaiting what rightfully is mine to return to me.

so tired, but I'm carrying positive hopes, even after a negative day. i guess its due to the sweet timtams I received from my lovely friend. thank you Samantha! Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope.

incoming exams

its finally here. I wonder how I'll fare. I haven't felt like this for a long time. of course the worst case scenario would be going in there and face questions that I totally have no idea how to answer at all. but I hope it won't be like that. I've put in effort in studying what I could, the result hinges on the quality of my performance tomorrow. its no longer about the preparation. it's about the execution. I hope I do okay. seriously.

the morning of the day before the exam

it's been a long time since I've taken an exam. the last time I took one was back in 2004, at the end of my first year in poly. since then, I haven't taken any exams, simply due to marketing being a non-exam subject. quizzes, mid term tests in the lecture room were abundant. but still they didn't have the exam feel to it. where it was held in the big sports hall with rows and rows of tables where you had to find your seat. with invigilators walking up and down rather distractingly. it has been over 4 years since that exam. I wonder how it'll be like tomorrow. back in those days, the exams were easy. I went in knowing that I would know how to solve the questions.

This time its different. I no longer know that. I can only hope that. I haven't been able to do my best the past weeks in studying. and today, the day before the first exam in 4 years, I'm feeling even more distracted, unable to concentrate. I can't remember if I felt like that too on the days before exams 4 years ago. maybe. but I know that I will have to work doubly hard today so that by the end of tonight, at least I will have a little confidence about tomorrow.

au revoir

scorpions with berlin philharmonic orchestra

Moscow 2003, Rock you like a hurricane.

Moment of Glory 2000, Still loving you.

N/A, Wind of change
EPIC

seperation

it bids me goodbye, this feeling of losing.
a song in my heart, I've yet to have sung.
not knowing the tune, deaf to the music.
construed in falsehood, a mistake unsaid.
but when it comes, it's sharp, it's salient.
for the cold one, I am of stone.
waiting patiently, for nothing to come.

and I saw marcus

it's been a long time since I last saw marcus. and he already looks like a doctor. a good looking one at that. our original plan was to eat steamboat at the roxy square foodcourt, as suggested by kenji. apparently it was alacarte. and we were EXTREMELY hungry. or at least me and marcus expressed it. as we sat down at the table and looked at the menu, each dish was at least $2. and judging by our hunger we would probably eat up an unreasonable amount of spending. so we changed our mind and went to the parkway hawker center. there I ate chicken rice, while the rest of them ate char kway teow. talking about char kway teow, I haven't eaten outram park friend char kway teow mee at sam's house there for a super long time. it was the best CKT I've eaten, and I'm sure many will agree.

so I had soya bean milk and soya beancurd, which made me very very full. after that we went down to ice cream chefs for ice cream. my nutella wasn't available so I had to settle for this new flavour creme brulee. it was kinda nice, I liked it. mixed it with beanie vanilla and mixed timtams and almonds in. it was nice.. we sat for awhile till the shop began to close, and we realised we were impeding them from closing cuz we were sitting at their outside tables. luckily kenji knows them quite well. and then I missed my bus so I had to take 32 with kenji, while he alighted at kembangan, I did so at bedok to change buses.

Alot of interesting stories shared and catching up. it was a nice time, I hope we can meet like that again soon.

mighty

words are mighty. lethal lethal words.

I ate, i worry

I ate alot today. no normal person would go down below his house and buy obscenely large amounts of food and snacks just for 1 meal. but that's just me. I live to eat, although I'm afraid of getting fat. anyway I realized I really like coconut juice, those from cans. it has just the right sweetness and smoothness, and its supposedly good for health. yup so I'm intending to stockup on some so I can drink it when I'm in hermit mode at home studying. the same goes for snacks.

case in point, I really need to dedicate time to study. I'm beginning to feel a little worried about the exams. however, that worry has not done much to motivate me to study any much more harder than I already am. do note that although I'm trying to do my best in studying, I can feel that I'm still a far cry from when I was at my best and most diligent. I need to find some sort of cure to this bo chup attitude towards studying. I mean, I want to do well, exceptionally well in fact, if its possible. but still that internal goal doesn't motivate to give 200%. I wonder what can give me that boost. that much needed boost.

as much as what's going on, I still find a certain sense of calm in me. maybe I'm too calm for my own good.

the stars are shining like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun.