the first week has ended.

I survived, barely.
More to come I'm very sure.
Much more.

The period gives me adaptation.
Adaptation to this new life of dirt and sweat.
Yes, its meant to be.

When inspection comes, I'll be gone.
Hardly the person I used to be.
Oh how the memories. Yearn.

tides are gone

The tide that once came has left.
In its place is nothing,
but a sense of emptiness.
It's getting to me, heart.

Once, twice, countless times.
I miss it, those days.
How? Why?
A wish trashed.
Wildly, totally.

today was a VERY tiring day.

Morning healthy life run.
Then we started work. Sleepiness filled me.

A sense of anticipation gone wrong,
Enveloped in darkness, pushing.
A light, a savior, a fallacy.
Wish nonetheless. Upon a tale.

Working on my DB.

miserable sunday.

The end of the week end is here.
Nothing brings more misery than tonight.
The fear and uncertainty of what tomorrow brings,
I hope it won't be that bad.
But then again, that's not what it is.
Many people have told me it isn't,
I hope they're wrong, scarce.

night

Terrorists -> Habibie -> St. Hilda's

Worse day for 2 years.

Posted to the sickening out of this world Kranji Camp over at Yew Tee.
Almost impossible to reach there on time every morning, it seems they really want me to stay in ALONE. I stay in Tampines. Smart ARMY, really smart.

Disappointed at what's going on. For the rest of my life.

last day in OETI tomorrow

Tomorrow is my last day in OETI,
The place where I've been for 3 months.
The best place in army there could ever be,
Even better than BMT.

Will I lose contact with my new friends?
I hope not. Nice people they are.
A busy future lies ahead,
One filled with oil and grease,
Sweat and blood. Horrific.

But I guess I just got to do it,
And think positively.
But can I?

yesterday and today.

Yesterday I logged into blog, but then something made me stop. I didn't feel like blogging at all. Today, I'm feeling better. And I'm hopeful. Hopeful about the future. But a hope is just a hope. Please come and take me to a place where there is no life upon me.

its coming to a month

Soon, it will be a month since it began.
I don't know how to say it.
How should I?

I feel confused, sad, and hurt.
But I feel there is no other way out too.
Is there?
Discussion is not an option.
Its in me.

my life is such a waste.

Suddenly my life seems such a waste.

On Ale.
Is mad.
Snow none ok?
funn codes told sad.

Argh.

argh.

the day has passed fast.

Today started early, very early.
Too early.

Left me feeling tired for the rest.
Did nothing much today, save for night when my friends came over.
Tomorrow is work once again.
One week left before posting out.
Lonely once again? Let's hope for the best.

Dream.

Me and the tourist from Taiwan

Here is the picture of us on the MRT. He e-mailed it to me ;)

Its out

What I thought was non-existent finally surfaced. This piece of critical information is crucial to my masterstroke. It confirms just what the previous bits had confirmed. Intangible.

The secret is out. Its rather disappointing, but I hope it won't chance anything. Or at least affect badly.

I will try to write a song.

Guard duty was tiring yesterday, especially the 4am to 6am shift. I could even sleep while standing up, with a rifle around my shoulder. No joke. Today is just another day, not knowing what to do, without plans. Plans meant to falter.

complicated

I'm complicated.

Tomorrow is a long day. Guard duty.
Watched 300 today. Good show.
VivoCity GV Max. Spacious.
But headrest uncomfortable.
Pondered over the endless possibilities.

Two friendly Taiwanese tourists came and spoke to me today while I was waiting for the train at Outram MRT station. They approached me because I was in my No. 4 uniform, and they first asked if I would be going over to Taiwan for training. I spoke to them for awhile, and explained to them that only certain people would go. One told me he stayed near the place where the SAF Artillery would train, therefore would often see Singaporean soldiers around.

They took a picture with me, and we spoke a little more about Taiwan and Singapore. He also told me about his time in the Taiwanese National Service. Before long they had to alight at City Hall, so we shook hands and bid goodbye. Amazingly, this small meeting with these two tourists really lightened up my mood. I felt weird, but good. But soon my tiredness overcame the good feeling and I was sleepy all again

Ramen's birthday!

Happy 21st Birthday Ramen!

a few pics to remember the fantastic chalet

you had me from hello

The first time I saw you it felt like coming home.
If I never told you I just want you to know.
You had me from hello.

From hello,
From hello.

My wish never came true.

2 long nights, and the down.

Oh.
Whatever makes me happy, on a Saturday night.

I'm getting damn frustrated with my own actions and behavior.
I don't know what to do.
I've lost a main source of inspiration, motivation, encouragement.

expose me true please.

All the smiles and laughter, nothing but fake.
I find it hard to display true emotion,
Except for when I'm alone. Why?
I've asked myself many times.
Fear.
Fear of the uncertainty.
Fear of the reaction.
Fear of the rejection.
Fear is always at the heart.

Every moment, I think of it.
Everywhere I go, I see it.
I can't get it out of my head.
Such a waste, such a waste.
Destiny, they call her.
The living lie.

The meaning of life, now I've found,
Leaves you behind, on the ground.
Knowing it makes you feel miserable,
Killing yourself is the only way out.

Existence is nothing but a word,
That shows our desperation to prove our worth.
It doesn't matter if I exist or not,
Its better if I didn't though, even in thought.

intoxicated, drowned.

Met my friends for supper.

It has been a very very long time since we've gone out together. I miss those times. Went to Changi beach, Eugene drove. Rainer, YZ, Eugene & me. The 'Tampsters' we once called ourselves. The infamous perpetually late 'Tampsters'.

Had a few bottles of beer, then had a burger at a western food stall. Wasn't nice at all though. But I'm glad my friends looked happy.

Today, 8th of March 2007, will be one that will stay in my memory forever. Not all of it in a happy way though. But I really thank everyone for their well wishes and sincerity, especially to Alex and Clarice for giving me a surprise dinner and a beautiful shirt. Thanks so much.

But I've lost everything I've had till now. Absolutely everything. Crushed, my mind goes numb, unable to think much anymore. Wishes don't come true, do they?

gone

Watching the stars till they're gone
Like an actor all alone
Who never knew the story he was in
Who never knew the story ends.
Like the sky reflecting my heart
All the colors become visible
When the morning begins
I'll read the last line

In endless rain I've been walking
Like a poet feeling pain
Trying to find the answers
Trying to hide the tears
But it was just a circle
That never ends
When the rain stops, I'll turn the page
The page of the first chapter

Am I wrong to be hurt
Am I wrong to feel pain
Am I wrong to be in the rain
Am I wrong to wish the night won't end
Am I wrong to cry
But I know, It's not wrong to sing The Last Song
Cause forever fades

I see red
I see blue
But the silver lining gradually takes over
When the morning begins
I'll be in the next chapter

same old brand new me

ONLY FRUSTRATION.

Yes,
A lesson learnt in time,
Knowledge held on forever.
However little,
It goes a long way.

Senses speak to me,
Words spoken or unspoken,
Merely smoking.
Wiser I now am,
Plan with me, plan with me.

Make it happen, yes I can.
Four of a kind,
Say a different suit taken.
Alone,
One is Al I need.

Monday is over

As the day draws nearer, I can't help but feel constricted.
A vine bound around my neck, suffocating me.

Two

Two things happened today.

First my friend almost got into a big argument with another guy, purely because the guy was really rude and unreasonable. I intervened and separated them. It was over my friend throwing a single tissue into the toilet bowl after wiping his faced, when this guy with a major attitude problem comes in exploding and scolding my friend straight away for doing that. He just couldn't talk properly.

Next, I had to walk from my block to the camp gate twice as a punishment for not wearing my headdress. Now that's where the RP was wrong. I was wearing it, I just took it out to wipe my sweat along the way for a short moment. Everyone was surprised as well when he told me to do it. So was I.

Sunday's dinner

me at the lift landing

buying bubble tea

Rainer and his chicken rice

don't care?

Some people just don't give a heck about you,
These people don't put themselves in your shoes,
They don't bother trying to understand.

Especially when you are the one trying your best to make things good and create a balance for everyone, it annoys more. What a way to end the weekend. Wasn't worth it. All this things, they bother me. Yes they do!

I'm trying to do my best just letting it pass, but it keeps getting worse. It's a bad habit to just absorb like a sponge, all the things people do. One of these days I'm gonna just implode. Already my heart/chest feels tight sometimes, tempting me to go for a check-up. I fear I might have some problem in my heart. But if its meant to be, then I guess no point resisting it.

With each day my life gets shorter,
Lesser opportunity, Lesser time to enjoy myself.
Lesser time to wallow in my self pity.
And misery.

I just wish and hope someone can save me.
Show me the life I have been missing,
Pull me out of the depths.
I've always believed in myself,
But now I'm about to give it all up.

Friendship

Life is rather lonely. Although it's believed otherwise, each man is usually an island. Many a times, people build friendship like bridges with toll gates. Nothing can get through to each other without first gaining or identifying a potential advantage. Its just like how it takes two hands to clap, except these two hands need something from each other in order to clap.

Not pertaining to this, there are a select few others who build friendships not just by building flimsy bridges, but instead by fusing their two islands together, in a merry state of altruism. This is what friendship should be. This is what I try to achieve.

Did I even get to know myself well?

Delusional, am I?
Having thought too much about certainty.
Immolated by the pains that fill the void,
Did I find the real me?

Condescending as it may seem,
I find little light at the end of the tunnel.
Waiting to greet me is sheer darkness,
Ever so slowly, its beckoning to me.

somehow, it's not as good as it seems..

Dazed

Do I feel just left behind?
I think of it; visually.
The hint of tint, slight but obvious to me.
I pretend nothing is going on,
When there isn't anything going on.
Or maybe its just my imagination,
My mind playing tricks on me.
The result of too much emotions,
Kept in, so I can be free.

Birthday for Lau,
Sorry I couldn't stay.
Sorry.

disappointing..

Its rather disappointing and disheartening to know.
That what I'm willing to do, a few others are unwilling.
But to each his own. I shall not think more of it anymore.
Respect their decision.

the day i felt pain

It struck sharply, piercing flesh and bone.
Every inch of body shuddered and trembled.
The impact was great, shifting body slightly to the right.
Looking up, saw it crashing down.
Swept aside, but did not make it in time.
The burning sensation of pure acid poured onto the shoulder,
The sound of steel, cutting through bone.
The noise reverberated through the large hall.

Alas, this day did not happen.
Not any physical pain.

A torture it was, a torture it has been, a torture it will be.
Can I? Should I?

For all the words in the world..

Nothing can describe what I'm feeling now.
A melancholic mix.
Should I be glad, or should I fret.

As usual the leaves has fallen quickly,
Leaving me weary.
When the bark starts to peel,
That's when it begins.
The thick screen drops.

Pencil, pencil, draw me a picture.
A perfect picture of what I'll be.
Straight, curves, and many shades and tones,
But still it looks ugly, my life, probably.